Monday, July 23, 2012

Dogs are people, too.

This is my dog. I'll call her Spazz-brain.

This is my other dog. I'll call him Wha...?

Spazz-brain is actually pretty smart. Hence the "brain" part. But she's also a crazy little piece of shit who likes to root around in the trash can for pieces of paper towel to chew on. WHILE YOU WATCH. Hence, Spazz.

Wha...? is just about the sweetest, kindest, snuggliest little (big) doofus in the world. Spazz-brain is definitely the brains in this relationship. Wha...? can't even figure out how to sit. The most basic of dog obedience concepts and he just doesn't get it. But he makes up for it by being sweet.
Except when he shits on my floor.

See, dogs don't come with warning labels. Dogs don't come with a manual (and even if you adopted your dog and they gave you a book - well, you still have to READ IT, asshole). People don't tell you that when you bring a dog home, you have to do more than just feed it and leave it outside.
I'm a dog person. I get them. I've studied wolf behavior, I've taken puppy and adult dog obedience classes (with a dog. By myself would be weird.). And hell, I even showed one of my dogs in obedience trials through 4H. But even with all that, my dogs still shit on my floor. WTF?

Okay, so it doesn't happen OFTEN, but if we're not on high alert for any little "fruhf" or "rowow" then Wha...? leaves us a present that only an 80-lb dog can gift you. And it's usually on the floor that I just scrubbed, vacuumed and steam-cleaned (from the last time the damn dog decided it was Christmas.)

Anyway, the point is, dogs will shit on your floor. And they'll chew your shit up. And they'll scratch up your hardwoods and yellow your grass and sneak out the front door, leaving you to go on an hour-long chase while they glance back and fucking SMILE at you because, HAHA, you're the idiot who's chasing me!

People don't get this when they get a dog, which is why many dogs end up in shelters.

But that's ok. Because then people like me can adopt your little piece of shit and bring him home to become our own little piece of shit.

And when they look up at you with those adoring eyes and a tiny little slurp on your nose, you realize - they're so worth it.

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