If I ruled the Universe

-Nerds would rule the world. Yeah, every adult knows that the Star Wars geek who could program a computer to tie his own shoes in high school is the one who would end up richer than they are. But kids don't realize that shit. Intelligence should be worth a hell of a lot more in the high school world.

-People who make the words "a" and "lot" into one word would be tied to the back of a covered wagon and dragged slowly along the dusty prairie. Slowly, because they need to think about what they did.

-People who drive below the speed limit would have an implant inserted into their eyes that flashes the damned speed limit into their retinas if they maintain it for more than 30 seconds. Seriously, people, I have places to be.

-My house would clean itself. I don't have time and if I want a new house this century I won't be able to pay for a housekeeper. And the kids are useless. Better yet, I'd have a magic wand and by saying "Diffindo" or something, all the crap would go back where it belongs. I think I deserve it, dammit.

-You wouldn't have to wait for things you're REALLY looking forward to. Right now I'm blogging because I have to wait until tonight to pick up my new puppy. And I hate waiting.

-Naptime would last AT LEAST two hours. And I'd get one every day. Including at work.

-My husband and I would just spend all day snuggling together. And maybe part of the day snuggling on the couch with the kids, watching Dirty Jobs or Mythbusters. Nothing else is more important.

-Exercise would be all you need to lose weight. I LIKE exercising. It makes me feel good. But the food thing is the complicated thing. How much, what types, what percentages of daily intake...it's all BS. Working my ass off should translate to ASS OFF.

-McDonalds Chicken McNuggets would actually be nutritious.

-Every time Justin Hartley and Tom Welling appear onscreen together on Smallville I would be transported into the show and they would immediately forget whatever they were doing and proceed to be my slaves. Without shirts on. Separately, of course, because ew.

-The damned chainsaw that my neighbor has going right now would die and go to hell. Don't fucking cut down a tree in the middle of my kids' nap, dammit!

-My house would decorate itself. It has been sitting in a state of permanent boring since we moved in. I once said that my house was a study in turn-of-the-century clutter, and while I've ameliorated that in the last two days (NINE bags to Goodwill today) I still don't have any place to put fun things that might be decorative. That and I have kids, which is a bad idea around decorative things. I need a bigger house and older kids.

-Not a single kid would go home to a drunk parent, mentally ill parent, absent parent, uninterested parent, or homeless situation. I see the way these parents affect kids every day and it hurts that I can do so little to change it. At my previous job not a day went by when I didn't want to bring a kid home with me and offer him or her a better life. Now it's more like once a week, but I know those other kids are still out there and I feel so guilty that I left them for an easier situation. I only hope that I made enough of a difference in their lives that they have the motivation to improve them.

-My children would be able to choose their own paths in life and I will be proud of the choices they make. I don't care if they go to Ivy League schools or find prestigious careers - I just want them to be happy and successful in whatever they do.

-Justin Bieber and his stupid hairdo would go away forever.