Sunday, March 20, 2011


Just curious as to when that's going to happen. My mom served my dad with divorce papers yesterday. I'm not taking it well. I haven't been sleeping, haven't been exercising, haven't been happy, and I've been crying a LOT. I slept for two hours this afternoon after sleeping only 4 last night and the night before. I did work out today, so hopefully that'll help with the sleeping tonight.

This has been an emotional week. I had the most amazing birthday of my life this week, when my students went all out to make it an incredibly special day. I got serenaded by no fewer than 4 kids (at different times); 2 more kids requested that the orchestra teacher come play Happy Birthday on her violin for me; one of my kids bought ladybug stickers and handmade a card plus wrapped two of my favorite candy bars to look like ladybugs; another made a gigantic card with her own (and her dog's!) hand/pawprints in addition to a poem; another brought me a chocolate cupcake that was to-DIE-for; another brought me two kinds of chocolate and a card with a very sweet message about how I inspire her... I was floored, to put it mildly. And all this came AFTER I walked into my classroom first thing that morning to two dozen hand-delivered roses - that Husband had wrangled with his parents to deliver because he was in San Francisco the whole week.

Before this, however, I had to figure out some pretty heavy stuff. My dad had asked if I wanted a weekend at a local water park that he would pay for, for all four of us. This would have been great (and we were already planning it for spring break) but the problem was, I had already asked my mom if she wanted to go with us. I knew she wouldn't want to come along if he was paying for it, so I had to ask her what she thought. She immediately told me that I had to do what I wanted but that I needed to remember how he treated her. My cousin, who has been staying with my mom for awhile (and providing support and relief), jumped in and reminded my mom that what she just said was putting me directly in the middle of a situation that involved my mom and my dad, not me. We had a good talk that night about how my mom needed to leave me out of things and remember that he's still my dad, no matter how hurt she might be.

Then, there was the issue of my birthday dinner. My mom doesn't even want to see my dad right now, but every single year, for the 25+ years that we've lived here, I've gone to the same restaurant with my family on my birthday. It's tradition. But I didn't want it to be awkward or get screwed up. I didn't know what to do. Luckily, I asked my dad what he thought we should do and he suggested that I do my dinner with my mom and Husband's family on my birthday, and the night after, have dinner with him and the kids. I was so thankful that he said that, because I was so worried about how to handle it.

Both dinners went well. My dad and I got to talk and I said a lot of things that I've been wanting to say for a long time. He told me how proud he was of me (something he didn't really say much when I was growing up) and how amazing my husband was (I knew that). He told me he was sorry that this was happening but that he was on the verge of a heart attack because of my mom's health issues (I still don't understand that - I do, because I can see how it can be stressful to support her, but I don't agree with what he did). I cried and told him that I didn't want my kids to NOT know their grandpa, who they love. He told me thank you for seeing him.

I haven't talked about it to anyone but my counselor yet. I'm having a hard time discussing the whole thing. I cry, or at least tear up, every time I think about it. I feel like I'm back to where I was before my medication, although I know that if I just focus on something else, I'll be okay. And I think about the steps I've taken over the past two years to make my life (and my family's lives) better. My counselor said that the cycle of family dysfunction is a tough one to break, and it takes a lot of courage and strength to become aware of it and take the kinds of steps I've taken to break it. That helps a little. My husband helps a lot. He has been so supportive, even with me being so clingy, desperate and weepy lately. If I need quiet time, he gives it to me. If I need him to just hold me, he's there. If I need him to let me gorge myself on sugar and comfort food to drown my sorrows, he says not a single word. He knows that I can get through this but that I need time, and he's willing to give me that time. I wouldn't have survived any of this (or even my life in general) if it weren't for him.

We had a group date night last night, something that Husband and I cooked up to get together with friends that we don't see enough of. Four of us couples got together for a movie and dinner. We had a lot of fun, I had a lot of alcohol, and we found out that another of our friends is pregnant. So now all four of us either have kids or have them on the way. It's funny to look at all of us and see how far we've come.

I'll get through this. Our friends and my husband and my kids will keep me strong, and I'll get it back together. I just need time. They say it heals all wounds, right?

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